After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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