Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
