ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
