You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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