I'm going to jail i love you
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
