Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
