My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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