My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
