The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
