is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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