I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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