think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
