Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
