Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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