I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
