My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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