Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize