I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
