I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
