My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
