In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
