Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My vagina just clenched in fear
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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