I am in a vortex of obligation.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
