I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
