on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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