I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
