dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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