I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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