K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
