it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
