i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
