Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
