Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
