im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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