We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
