im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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