he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
