I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
