you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
