I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
