my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
