oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
