she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
