So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
