Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
