dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
