When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
