dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
