My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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