Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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