I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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