New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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