Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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