mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
