You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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