I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
