Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
