If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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