I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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