I just pynch a tree in the face
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
